A bit of backstory on growing up with ADD.

I used to spend my french classes furiously scribbling in the back of my books entire scripts of whatever Buffy episode I was currently hooked on. I ran riot through the halls, and when teachers gave me into trouble (which happened at least a couple of times a day), I had no clue how to behave so I settled for looking at them unblinking in the eye...that just led them to thinking I was insolent as well as a trouble-maker. I daydreamed my classes away. Maths, sciences, french, geography and history held little to grab my attention and I would spend the hours gazing out of the window or doodling or fidgeting.

I grew to like P.E because I realised I was not so bad at it and it allowed me some escape from the monotony of my other classes. I had (and still have) a very low tolerance for boredom. I enjoyed English although when I was in primary seven whilst I was taking my English exam to determine which class I would be put in in secondary school, I failed to notice that I had to turn over the paper...as a result I got 61% which meant I was put in the lower class where I was soon bored. I was not allowed to retake that paper. I also enjoyed music (although I was terrible at most things except singing) and drama. I loved being someone else for a short while.

At home I ran riot as well. I was always outside (before my mopey teenage years) climbing trees and getting dirty and getting into fights with the boys in my neighbourhood. It was always the boys against me, my best friend Vicki and my brother Richard. I got into trouble a lot growing up for not doing this or forgetting to do that. I grew up believing I was lazy and not too bright. I couldn't understand how people could sit down and spend even an hour doing homework. I would try but something would catch my eye or a thought would interrupt and I'd go off on another tangent.

One place where I could really focus and be myself and relax, was with reading. I would devour books. Nowadays I read less because I have agreed to read no English books during the week but if I didn't have that stipulation, I would still be the same when it comes to books.

I was thirteen when my first school very politely kicked me out and asked me to never come back. They had had it with me who was quiet, but got into trouble every day, got into fights with other girls, hardly remembered to do homework, daydreamed her time away but when she put effort in, could get high grades.

I think they were at a loss. And the head-teacher at the time called my mum who was working and too upset to leave her car to come get me, asked her colleague to do that for her. And then next term, it was off to the local public school.

I had always difficulty hearing people (so much so that mum began to think i was hearing impaired) that I went to a specialist to see what could be done. He told my mum that there was nothing wrong with my hearing but perhaps it is a psychological problem.

I did things impulsively without giving it much thought. I decided it would be a fine idea at the age of 12 or 13 to give myself a fringe...that ended with me cutting around the entire front of my head and my mum freaking out and dragging me to the hairdresser where the stylist did the best she could but I still came out looking like a boy.

The years from 13 to 18 were the most difficult I think. I was still coming to terms with my mum being gay (who came out when I was 10), realising that I was gay, struggling with bullies who knew my mum is gay (I can still hear the shrieks of 'Yer ma's a dyke!', and a depression that turned me into someone who hardly left her room. I became even quieter at my new school and hardly spoke to people and tried to keep my head down. I still had difficulty focusing and concentrating but it went under the radar I think because the classrooms were a lot bigger and because I was so quiet, and most of the quiet kids were the concentrating academic types.

Things got better in my last two years, I made some nice friends, enjoyed my English and Drama classes a lot and saw more friends outside school. I was very focused on people though. Usually one a time. I would be totally focused on one friend and be jealous if they had other close friends. I'm not sure if that's a gay thing, an ADD thing or just a Kat thing. Luckily I don't get so hyperfocused on people anymore!

After school finished, I started a course in HNC social sciences which was psychology, sociology, history, modern studies and close reading. I enjoyed it a lot at first but as always my concentration slipped and I stopped going. When I was 19, we moved to England. I went to university in Portsmouth but I didn't like it much. I was doing English and creative writing but I didn't finish my degree, and indeed had to repeat the first year. I liked some things about it like the sci-fi society and the people I lived with in my second year there. But I wouldn't do it again and I don't want to go back.

After university didn't work out, I moved back to be with my mum and Cathy where I almost burned their house down by forgetting i was cooking something on the stove and reading in the living room. The fire brigade had to come out, it was a big mess. As i've mentioned before I got a job in a bookshop which I loved. I got bored at times but mostly I loved organising the books and talking about the books and I was in my element! Then I met Myrna and very impulsively decided to move out to the Netherlands to live with her! Did i have any idea about how to speak Dutch? No. Did I have a job waiting for me? No. Did I know how much you needed to know Dutch to get a job in Groningen? No! But I went. And it was a struggle for the first year until I got my first job and now I have twice as much hours as the first year and things are better. It was really living with Myrna and her picking up behavioural things from me that led us both to thinking that something was up.

Now i've been taking methylfenidaat for almost 2 weeks and I think it is helping although there was a bit of a slacking off in the last few days of last week. I feel calmer, and I can order my thoughts a bit better. I notice things more and I'm noticing more when things need to be cleaned. I've also started my new job at the university cleaning, and I'm enjoying it! Nice people. Tonight we're BBQing and I'm looking forward to that.

Diagnosis: ADD

So yesterday I got my diagnosis. As I thought, it's ADD. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me recommended doing a group thing (it will be in Dutch) where people talk about their ADD/ADHD experiences as well as taking medication. Myr was so awesome and took some time off work so she could be with me, and then afterwards we cycled to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. The drug is called Methylfenidaat in Dutch (no clue of it's English name) and I started taking it today. I have to take it three times a day at 8am, 12pm and 4pm. Some side effects may include headaches, feeling like a zombie, difficulty falling asleep. Probably more but those are the only ones I remember and anyway they will only be a problem for a week or so. The effect of the medication is that I will be able to think more clearly because it does something in your brain where it acts like a blanket between your nerve endings so that the information goes from one nerve to the other smoothly, unlike in the brain of an unmedicated person with ADD, the information can't go smoothly from one to the other because there is no blanket. Something like that. 

I thought I could blog more about ADD and how it affects me and how I will be feeling with the medication. I have been thinking about how it affected me in the past and I know from an early age I had so much difficulty concentrating and I was constantly daydreaming. But because I was very quiet, I think that's why it went undetected for so long. If I was hyperactive, it would have been a lot more noticeable! Also when someone with ADD is really enjoying something or very focused on something, then ADD isn't as big a problem. I think that when I worked in the bookstore, I really enjoyed it because books have always been my favourite thing, I loved talking about books and recommending books. And when people came back to thank me for my recommendation, that was awesome! So I think ADD wasn't so noticeable then. And it was awesome to hear that my ex-manager would want to work with me again! Whereas in all my other non-bookstore jobs, I was very unfocused, I missed a lot of things, forgot things, meant to do things and then got distracted by something else. Well. I hope that doesn't happen in my next job that starts on Monday but the good thing is is that with the new medication, an effect of it is that I will want to organise and clean a lot! So that can only be good. Another side effect i learned from my psychiatrist is that it will help me lose weight because it inhibits your feeling for hunger. So I will eat less. That can only be good too!

I'm very irritated by all the house flies buzzing around me at the moment. I'm going to go tidy up some more before Mariska gets here. 

Anyway day one of taking Methylfenidaat: I feel just the same!

I was so happy to get the diagnosis because it took eight months from my first appointment with my GP to get to this point. 

I have also been thinking about world of warcraft (Yes, i play almost every day!) and how if I didn't have Myrna sitting next to me and poking me when people talk about things in the guild chat, I would totally miss it either because I'm so focused on something I can't see the guild chat, or because I'm just in another world, that I would be so annoying to raid with. But the good news is, I at least pay attention to the sounds yelling at me that i'm standing in crap and could I please get out now? :D

Keltfest

The night before Keltfest, Myr and me enjoyed Myr's dad's birthday BBQ. I drank probably a little too much wine. This was apparent when cycling home and I cycled for a long stretch with no hands (something I haven't dared do since I was about twelve) and greeting passers by and then later the almost falling asleep whilst cycling!

The next morning we woke up not so fresh and rested at around 6am. I had a shower and got my stuff together. I wore a long black skirt and a purple strappy top. I would regret this later! We were on the bus at around 7am to get to the train station and we were sat on the train with Judith and Sipke, clutching at cups of hot coffee.

After about three changes and meeting up with an Anneke, we were finally at Dordrecht where Keltfest was held. The day was bright and it was hot! We had only factor twelve sunblock with us but Myr smeared it into my shoulders and I hoped for the best!

It was really a beautiful day but all the shady places were taken and you had to wait about 30 minutes just to buy an overpriced drink. I was very happy that we had the foresight to take our own water with us! We sat on the grass for a while with some friends we met there and listened to the music and I tried my best not to think about how much I was baking. After a short while, Myr decided she too was too hot in the glaring sun so we went to buy a nice skirt for her. She first tried on what she thought was a skirt but instead were sort of clown pants. I'm not sure of the correct name for them! They weren't really for her so she tried on another skirt which was very pretty! It was sort of mostly red but lots of other colours mixed in too.

The group soon split up with Sipke, Judith and Anneke going off to look at stalls and whatnot and Myr and me trying to find some shady places. We sat near the birds of prey for a while but I found it a bit zielig and also there was suddenly a family with young kids beside us so we went to find somewhere else. You had to pay to use the toilet unlike Castlefest and the queue was a bit irritating. But then we found a bale of hay to sit on which was the most comfortable thing we had found! We spent the rest of Keltfest listening a bit to the music and watching the Highland Games. We looked half-heartedly at the stalls too but it was much too hot and by the end I was so tired and drained that it was a relief when Sipke said he would like to go home! The only bad thing was I didn't get to try the highlander BBQ but Myr tells me it will be much cheaper at Noorderzon so i'm looking forward to that!

The way home was more annoying than the way to because I think we had four changes and we had to stand up on one train but finally we made it to Myr's parents who very kindly gave me some much-needed after sun and a lift home! My back was very much burned but luckily I had a green hood thing that Maaike had given to me for my birthday last year that covered my shoulders and upper back so there was no nasty peeling. But the pain lasted a good three days and next time it's factor 50 please!

Sorry Myr, I know it's vervelend how much you want a brown girlfriend and instead you have me ;) Pale and mysterious is the way to be!

Keltfest was fun but I enjoyed Castlefest more because it was less hot I think, and more places to sit in the shade too. Also I have the feeling there were more drinks stalls, but I'm not sure anymore.

This year we will be unable to make it to Castlefest or Elf Fantasy because our loved ones keep deciding to get married on those days! So we will have to make do with Midsummer fest in July :D

Piano Playing, dresses and moar!

On Tuesday Myr agreed to try to teach me how to play the piano! I'm very excited about it. I have always wanted to be able to play a musical instrument. Once my friend Vicki tried to teach me guitar but I had no patience for it and it hurt my fingers.

When I was ten or eleven, we were told at school that if we wanted to, we could sign up for viola lessons. I really wanted to so I signed up and went to see the music teacher who gave me a little musical test and if I passed then I could learn to play the viola. I passed the test but I wasn't allowed to take the lessons, it turned out, because my primary seven teacher had instructed her not to let me pass. I wasn't good at remembering my homework and I was very much a nuisance in general. And my teacher knew how much I wanted it and also knew how much I didn't behave that she thought playing viola would too much of a reward. I still don't understand why the music teacher let me take the test and get my hopes up only to shatter them afterwards!

But hey. Now Myr is teaching me the piano! I find it a lot of fun so far. When I was six or so, I had some piano lessons but my mum didn't like my piano teacher so that was the end of that.

So far I can only play two very short songs on the piano and even then I can't go all the way through without making some mistakes somewhere! But I thought I could record my progress if I make any by posting a few videos from time to time!

In other news I have dresses! I think the last time I wore a dress was for my prom. But I like the idea of them! I have now a black strapless dress that is quite short to above the knee and a longer purple one. Maybe I will ask Myr to take some photos later! Okay i'm going to try them on now!

A totally not boring blog.

I no longer have a job at the Mercedes dealer. I found out yesterday and it sucks because I really liked having more to do but I'm just going to keep searching for a better job. Preferably not a cleaning job. I'm not the tidiest person!

Today I am sitting at Myrna's parents house because I didn't really want to go home and have nobody to talk to until Myr gets home. So i'm trying to read my Dutch book on the tablet pc and I tried to do a blog yesterday but I was so miserable and down in the dumps it just wasn't going to happen! Today I have worked in the restaurant and also at Monique's.

I'm looking forward to the summer a lot, going to England and seeing mum and Cathy but also dad, brother and sisters! If all goes to plan I'll get to be with Anna on her eighth birthday.

An old friend recently got in touch so it was fun to hear from him again.

Tomorrow my friend Judith might be coming over so we'll probably play some WoW. Myrna has a BBQ with some colleagues. I was also invited but i think the conversation will be totally about work...*cue Kat drifting off*


I'm not on my own pc so no random but fun photo to throw in here and make my blog seem more interesting than it is! Boooo. Ooh I can put  up a video however! This is a video of my sister Anna dancing! She's so cute!

And here is a video of Nicola dancing ;D I wish I could dance...

ADD drama

This weekend has been a bit of a rollercoaster! Now it's 2.40am and I am staring at the computer screen unable to sleep.

On friday we had an inspection at work so they could see how well we have been cleaning the Mercedes place. Apparently we didn't do very well. The stupid thing is on thursday Mariska who I work with asked a couple of times if I could clean the stand that has toy smart cars in them because her boss noticed that the stand was pretty dusty. Of course I said, and continued cleaning other things. Later on she reminded me about the stand of smart cars. Yes! I am just on my way there now. Then she asked, Oh and could you also clean the main doors, they have some fingerprints. So Whooooosh, all the thoughts about the stand of smart cars promptly leaves my head because I start cleaning the main doors and don't reenter my head until the next day when Mariska notices the stand of smart cars is still not cleaned and worse, the inspection lady would have noticed that.

So I felt pretty lousy and stupid and blah. Sure, these types of things happen to everybody but they happen to me every single day and I'm getting very tired with it and I know Myr is also getting tired of it. And my whole big idea of being focused on my schedule that is on the blackboard sort of backfired because now I do my schedule but my Dutch is suffering and I'm not noticing the little things I used to notice. So I think i'm going to go back to how it was before with a less strict schedule but more noticing of other things. So even though I'm doing my schedule (which I thought would mean less arguments with Myr) is actually provoking a lot more arguments with Myr.

So the whole of today I wasn't really there but I didn't know I wasn't really there until Myr pointed it out to me. I cooked dinner and thought I thought of all the things like tidying up after myself but I missed things that I had no clue about despite having checked the kitchen twice.

It's very tiring to be in a relationship with me I think. And I haven't been back to the doctor yet (going back on the 14th of June) but I am pretty sure that it's ADD and that he'll come back and say that.

So! I have a few ideas to fix this.

1. Double and triple check everything to make sure I haven't missed anything.
2. Stop being insecure.
3. Stop with a strict schedule that leads to not noticing the small things.
4. Take the initiative/responsibility for things.
5. Think about things before blurting out stupid questions/comments.

I'm sure there are many more things but it's almost 3am at the moment and I am glasses-less which means my left eye is twitching. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day! I shall leave you all with a picture of...

My Grandad and me! Grandad is going in for an operation on Monday so I'm thinking about him a lot but I am sure everything will be all right. :)

BBQing, Paul and Game of Thrones

It's Tuesday and that means Blogging! I had an interesting weekend. On saturday some friends came over to BBQ with Myr and me. Homemade burgers, asparagus with sesame oil and seeds, garlicky tomatoes, bread dough with knakworsten, aubergines, sausages and lots of other meat things i forget about now. There was plenty of beer and wine and it was a very fun night! We later had a fire where we toasted marshmallows.

Sunday was hot! Eddy had slept over the night before and he spent the day hanging out with us. Myrna felt like hapjes somewhere in the afternoon so me and Eddy loped off to the snack bar where we bought raspatat met pindasaus and bitterballen. I have no clue what raspatat is in English, nor do I know how to translate bitterballen except to say I don't think bitterballs quite sums it up!

Sunday evening was very weepy and meepy on my behalf. I near bit Myr's head off several times during the night when she would remind me of things I had missed or had not done or had forgotten about. That wasn't fun!

Monday was a much better day because in the evening, I met Myr, Sipke and Roland at a restaurant called Four Roses, a mexican restaurant and there I ate enchiladas with cheese. Way too much cheese! An overload of cheese. After there, we cycled to the nearby cinema where we met Olaf, Rinse and Michiel and watched 'Paul'. It was not my favourite Simon Pegg film but I enjoyed it. Some of the humour was a bit repetitive after a while but I very much enjoyed all the geeky injokes. I also like that you can buy big bottles of Grolsch and take them into the screen with you! I made some vague plans with Sipke to go see Insidious when it comes out and somewhere this week he'll come over to watch the fourth episode of Game of Thrones.

For those of you reading this who don't know, A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin is my favourite fantasy book series of all time. It's great. Great characters, great story, and he is very cruel to his characters! So I was beyond excited about the new series. I have now seen three episodes and I had assumed it would sort of be my new addiction and I'd be totally hooked from the pilot onwards! However I thought the acting in the pilot was a bit wooden and of course there wasn't the same depth to the characters that I had come to love and hate in the books. But okay, it was the pilot, things are just warming up. The second episode was in my opinion a lot better. Even the acting was better. (Anyone else think that Kit Harington as Jon Snow is just another Legolas type?) But it hadn't hooked me yet. Sipke pointed out that it was because we know the books so well and the series is so faithful to those books that it feels like we've seen it all before. I'm interested to know what people who have never read the books think. Does it still make sense without all the backstory? The third episode was great and the scene between Arya and her dancing teacher was even better than in the books. I think it's beginning to reel me in now but it's taking its time to do so.

Today I have been to work at the restaurant and done the things on my schedule (this blog being the last thing to do) and then at 15.30 I cycle to my other job at the mercedes place. This evening Myr and me are going to her colleague's place for dinner and boardgames so that'll be fun.

The above clip is of Blizzard and Gizmoo play-fighting. Well it was sort of play-fighting, but Blizzard was also having a 'I'm The Boss' day. Ooh my Dad was very cool in that he sent me some videos of my little sisters dancing to Lady Gaga's Born This Way. It was very fun to see!

Now I have a Myr's shoulders to massage. Until Friday, folks...