A bit of backstory on growing up with ADD.

I used to spend my french classes furiously scribbling in the back of my books entire scripts of whatever Buffy episode I was currently hooked on. I ran riot through the halls, and when teachers gave me into trouble (which happened at least a couple of times a day), I had no clue how to behave so I settled for looking at them unblinking in the eye...that just led them to thinking I was insolent as well as a trouble-maker. I daydreamed my classes away. Maths, sciences, french, geography and history held little to grab my attention and I would spend the hours gazing out of the window or doodling or fidgeting.

I grew to like P.E because I realised I was not so bad at it and it allowed me some escape from the monotony of my other classes. I had (and still have) a very low tolerance for boredom. I enjoyed English although when I was in primary seven whilst I was taking my English exam to determine which class I would be put in in secondary school, I failed to notice that I had to turn over the paper...as a result I got 61% which meant I was put in the lower class where I was soon bored. I was not allowed to retake that paper. I also enjoyed music (although I was terrible at most things except singing) and drama. I loved being someone else for a short while.

At home I ran riot as well. I was always outside (before my mopey teenage years) climbing trees and getting dirty and getting into fights with the boys in my neighbourhood. It was always the boys against me, my best friend Vicki and my brother Richard. I got into trouble a lot growing up for not doing this or forgetting to do that. I grew up believing I was lazy and not too bright. I couldn't understand how people could sit down and spend even an hour doing homework. I would try but something would catch my eye or a thought would interrupt and I'd go off on another tangent.

One place where I could really focus and be myself and relax, was with reading. I would devour books. Nowadays I read less because I have agreed to read no English books during the week but if I didn't have that stipulation, I would still be the same when it comes to books.

I was thirteen when my first school very politely kicked me out and asked me to never come back. They had had it with me who was quiet, but got into trouble every day, got into fights with other girls, hardly remembered to do homework, daydreamed her time away but when she put effort in, could get high grades.

I think they were at a loss. And the head-teacher at the time called my mum who was working and too upset to leave her car to come get me, asked her colleague to do that for her. And then next term, it was off to the local public school.

I had always difficulty hearing people (so much so that mum began to think i was hearing impaired) that I went to a specialist to see what could be done. He told my mum that there was nothing wrong with my hearing but perhaps it is a psychological problem.

I did things impulsively without giving it much thought. I decided it would be a fine idea at the age of 12 or 13 to give myself a fringe...that ended with me cutting around the entire front of my head and my mum freaking out and dragging me to the hairdresser where the stylist did the best she could but I still came out looking like a boy.

The years from 13 to 18 were the most difficult I think. I was still coming to terms with my mum being gay (who came out when I was 10), realising that I was gay, struggling with bullies who knew my mum is gay (I can still hear the shrieks of 'Yer ma's a dyke!', and a depression that turned me into someone who hardly left her room. I became even quieter at my new school and hardly spoke to people and tried to keep my head down. I still had difficulty focusing and concentrating but it went under the radar I think because the classrooms were a lot bigger and because I was so quiet, and most of the quiet kids were the concentrating academic types.

Things got better in my last two years, I made some nice friends, enjoyed my English and Drama classes a lot and saw more friends outside school. I was very focused on people though. Usually one a time. I would be totally focused on one friend and be jealous if they had other close friends. I'm not sure if that's a gay thing, an ADD thing or just a Kat thing. Luckily I don't get so hyperfocused on people anymore!

After school finished, I started a course in HNC social sciences which was psychology, sociology, history, modern studies and close reading. I enjoyed it a lot at first but as always my concentration slipped and I stopped going. When I was 19, we moved to England. I went to university in Portsmouth but I didn't like it much. I was doing English and creative writing but I didn't finish my degree, and indeed had to repeat the first year. I liked some things about it like the sci-fi society and the people I lived with in my second year there. But I wouldn't do it again and I don't want to go back.

After university didn't work out, I moved back to be with my mum and Cathy where I almost burned their house down by forgetting i was cooking something on the stove and reading in the living room. The fire brigade had to come out, it was a big mess. As i've mentioned before I got a job in a bookshop which I loved. I got bored at times but mostly I loved organising the books and talking about the books and I was in my element! Then I met Myrna and very impulsively decided to move out to the Netherlands to live with her! Did i have any idea about how to speak Dutch? No. Did I have a job waiting for me? No. Did I know how much you needed to know Dutch to get a job in Groningen? No! But I went. And it was a struggle for the first year until I got my first job and now I have twice as much hours as the first year and things are better. It was really living with Myrna and her picking up behavioural things from me that led us both to thinking that something was up.

Now i've been taking methylfenidaat for almost 2 weeks and I think it is helping although there was a bit of a slacking off in the last few days of last week. I feel calmer, and I can order my thoughts a bit better. I notice things more and I'm noticing more when things need to be cleaned. I've also started my new job at the university cleaning, and I'm enjoying it! Nice people. Tonight we're BBQing and I'm looking forward to that.

Diagnosis: ADD

So yesterday I got my diagnosis. As I thought, it's ADD. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me recommended doing a group thing (it will be in Dutch) where people talk about their ADD/ADHD experiences as well as taking medication. Myr was so awesome and took some time off work so she could be with me, and then afterwards we cycled to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. The drug is called Methylfenidaat in Dutch (no clue of it's English name) and I started taking it today. I have to take it three times a day at 8am, 12pm and 4pm. Some side effects may include headaches, feeling like a zombie, difficulty falling asleep. Probably more but those are the only ones I remember and anyway they will only be a problem for a week or so. The effect of the medication is that I will be able to think more clearly because it does something in your brain where it acts like a blanket between your nerve endings so that the information goes from one nerve to the other smoothly, unlike in the brain of an unmedicated person with ADD, the information can't go smoothly from one to the other because there is no blanket. Something like that. 

I thought I could blog more about ADD and how it affects me and how I will be feeling with the medication. I have been thinking about how it affected me in the past and I know from an early age I had so much difficulty concentrating and I was constantly daydreaming. But because I was very quiet, I think that's why it went undetected for so long. If I was hyperactive, it would have been a lot more noticeable! Also when someone with ADD is really enjoying something or very focused on something, then ADD isn't as big a problem. I think that when I worked in the bookstore, I really enjoyed it because books have always been my favourite thing, I loved talking about books and recommending books. And when people came back to thank me for my recommendation, that was awesome! So I think ADD wasn't so noticeable then. And it was awesome to hear that my ex-manager would want to work with me again! Whereas in all my other non-bookstore jobs, I was very unfocused, I missed a lot of things, forgot things, meant to do things and then got distracted by something else. Well. I hope that doesn't happen in my next job that starts on Monday but the good thing is is that with the new medication, an effect of it is that I will want to organise and clean a lot! So that can only be good. Another side effect i learned from my psychiatrist is that it will help me lose weight because it inhibits your feeling for hunger. So I will eat less. That can only be good too!

I'm very irritated by all the house flies buzzing around me at the moment. I'm going to go tidy up some more before Mariska gets here. 

Anyway day one of taking Methylfenidaat: I feel just the same!

I was so happy to get the diagnosis because it took eight months from my first appointment with my GP to get to this point. 

I have also been thinking about world of warcraft (Yes, i play almost every day!) and how if I didn't have Myrna sitting next to me and poking me when people talk about things in the guild chat, I would totally miss it either because I'm so focused on something I can't see the guild chat, or because I'm just in another world, that I would be so annoying to raid with. But the good news is, I at least pay attention to the sounds yelling at me that i'm standing in crap and could I please get out now? :D

Keltfest

The night before Keltfest, Myr and me enjoyed Myr's dad's birthday BBQ. I drank probably a little too much wine. This was apparent when cycling home and I cycled for a long stretch with no hands (something I haven't dared do since I was about twelve) and greeting passers by and then later the almost falling asleep whilst cycling!

The next morning we woke up not so fresh and rested at around 6am. I had a shower and got my stuff together. I wore a long black skirt and a purple strappy top. I would regret this later! We were on the bus at around 7am to get to the train station and we were sat on the train with Judith and Sipke, clutching at cups of hot coffee.

After about three changes and meeting up with an Anneke, we were finally at Dordrecht where Keltfest was held. The day was bright and it was hot! We had only factor twelve sunblock with us but Myr smeared it into my shoulders and I hoped for the best!

It was really a beautiful day but all the shady places were taken and you had to wait about 30 minutes just to buy an overpriced drink. I was very happy that we had the foresight to take our own water with us! We sat on the grass for a while with some friends we met there and listened to the music and I tried my best not to think about how much I was baking. After a short while, Myr decided she too was too hot in the glaring sun so we went to buy a nice skirt for her. She first tried on what she thought was a skirt but instead were sort of clown pants. I'm not sure of the correct name for them! They weren't really for her so she tried on another skirt which was very pretty! It was sort of mostly red but lots of other colours mixed in too.

The group soon split up with Sipke, Judith and Anneke going off to look at stalls and whatnot and Myr and me trying to find some shady places. We sat near the birds of prey for a while but I found it a bit zielig and also there was suddenly a family with young kids beside us so we went to find somewhere else. You had to pay to use the toilet unlike Castlefest and the queue was a bit irritating. But then we found a bale of hay to sit on which was the most comfortable thing we had found! We spent the rest of Keltfest listening a bit to the music and watching the Highland Games. We looked half-heartedly at the stalls too but it was much too hot and by the end I was so tired and drained that it was a relief when Sipke said he would like to go home! The only bad thing was I didn't get to try the highlander BBQ but Myr tells me it will be much cheaper at Noorderzon so i'm looking forward to that!

The way home was more annoying than the way to because I think we had four changes and we had to stand up on one train but finally we made it to Myr's parents who very kindly gave me some much-needed after sun and a lift home! My back was very much burned but luckily I had a green hood thing that Maaike had given to me for my birthday last year that covered my shoulders and upper back so there was no nasty peeling. But the pain lasted a good three days and next time it's factor 50 please!

Sorry Myr, I know it's vervelend how much you want a brown girlfriend and instead you have me ;) Pale and mysterious is the way to be!

Keltfest was fun but I enjoyed Castlefest more because it was less hot I think, and more places to sit in the shade too. Also I have the feeling there were more drinks stalls, but I'm not sure anymore.

This year we will be unable to make it to Castlefest or Elf Fantasy because our loved ones keep deciding to get married on those days! So we will have to make do with Midsummer fest in July :D